Moving Away from Rewards and Punishments Part 2 with Heather Lucas

In this, the second of two episodes on rewards and punishments, Toria talks to Heather Lucas about moving away from the behaviouralist approach that schools have followed for years and more towards an approach that focuses on building relationships. If you would like to contact Heather or have specific questions for her, she is very happy to have people email her on bitesizedpsychology@gmail.com.

In the episode Heather discussed many things with Toria including the  'Twenty Discipline Mistakes even Great Parents Make' from the book: No Drama Discipline. The whole-brain way to calm the chaos and nurture your child's developing mind.,  by Daniel J. Siegel, MD and Tina Payne Bryson, PhD, Scribe,  She went through the first 12. Each is expanded upon in the book, which is primarily aimed at parents.

1. Our discipline becomes consequence-based instead of teaching-based.

2.We think that if we are disciplining we can't be warm and nurturing.

3.We confuse consistency with rigidity.

4. We talk too much.

5.We focus too much on the behaviour and not enough on the why behind the behaviour.

6. We forget to focus on how we say what we say.

7.We communicate that our kids shouldn't experience big or negative feelings.

8. We overreact, so our kids focus on our overreaction, not their own actions.

9. We don't repair.

10. We lay down the law in an emotional, reactive moment, then realize we've over reacted.

11. We forget that our children may sometimes need our help making good choices or calming themselves down.

12.We consider an audience when disciplining.

13. We get trapped in power struggles.

14. We discipline in response to our habits and feelings instead of responding to our individual child in that particular moment.

15.We embarrass our kids by correcting them in front of others.

16.We assume the worst before letting our kids explain.

17.We dismiss our kid's experience.

18. We expect too much.

19. We let 'experts' trump our own instincts.

20. We're too hard on ourselves.

A message from Heather - It's not about scoring but I think mine is 17/20 for if I have ever made that mistake! 

Always reflecting and learning.

Be kind to yourselves :)

Heather also referred to The Social Discipline Window, originally by Daniel Glaser but cited in Restorative Practice, Building Relationships, Improving Behaviour and Creating Stronger Communities by Mark Finnis, Independent Thinking Press, 2021